Sunday, November 13, 2011

Work is... well, hard work.

Who woulda thought right? Whew!

So working 2 jobs, managing 2 kids, and dealing with all of life's every day issues has left me EXHAUSTED.

A fulfilling sort of exhausted though.

If there is such a thing.

My new job is hard! I have alot of products, in alot of colors to learn and alot of policies to memorize, and A LOT of employee names to keep track of. I'm catching on though and the people I work with are pretty great which makes the hard work worth it.
And that gi-nor-mus paycheck I got wasn't too shabby either.

I haven't had much time for anything that could be construed as fun or sociable for the last couple weeks.

I did meet Prince Charming for a drink on Friday. Unfortunately I was so tired that I was just sort of in a daze. In true Prince Charming fashion, he completely understood and rattled on and on about how proud he is of his intelligent, boo coo bucks earning girlfriend. He told anyone who would listen.

I haven't had time for pictures or blogging(writing or reading) but I assure you, my outfits for work have been mostly EPIC.

Today is a glorious day off so I took some photos.

Breakdown: White Ruffled Shirt - Thrifted, Grey Tank - Target, Leggings - Old Navy,
Scarf - Garage Sale, Boots - Old Navy, Earrings - Clairs

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Good, The Bad, and The Thrifted

I try not be be a negative Nancy, especially on Mondays. But today its proving to be a little difficult.

The Good
I got a job at a little store called Old Navy. Do you know what this means?
a. More dolla's for Christmas giving.
b. A hefty employee discount on merch and boy do they have some SA-WEET stuff for their fall/winter collection.
I have to go in this afternoon for orientation and training videos and such.
Boy do I hope they have the talking Old Navy Manikins in the training videos.

Also, HR from another company is calling my references today after an interview Friday that went well. This means:
a. a full time job
b. its right around the corner from where my boys live when they are with their dad, AND across the street from my favorite donut shop.
c. a swanky job title that doesn't mean much but sounds VERY important.

The Bad
The radiator in my car decided to take a dump last night on the highway with the kids in the car. I managed to limp to a gas station parking lot which is good.
The worst part?
It looks like someone with a hitch backed into me and hit the radiator and that's what caused the problem. I'm not exactly sure when this might have happened. But hopefully I didn't do more damage than just the radiator.
I've done a bit of praying about that.
The silver lining is that I have three wonderful men in my life who are going to help me out. My Stepdad, Prince Charming, and my Ex-husband.
Its a wonderful feeling to have people who love you and you can lean on when things go horribly wrong.

The Thirfted
Have I mentioned that I cannot sew?
Well I cant.
But my little sister can. A whole lot better than me.

So I found these great "Merlot" colored cords at the thrift store. They were flared legs however and I desperately wanted skinny pants.
So my sister came to my rescue and sewed them up into skinny leg pants.
Shes such a doll huh?

One leg skinny and one leg wide

My sister snapped this quick picture in the kitchen for me.

The breakdown: 
Red Cords: Thrifted, White shirt: Thrifted, Boots: Free! 
Red Bag: Thrifted, Black Belt: Thrifted, Necklace: Meijer?

Meet Virginia Design

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

And I'm the Crazy One?

My dad is old.

And he forgets EVERYTHING.

He seriously thinks my sister and I are like 13 and 17 still. That is made very creepy based on the fact that we're both mothers now.

But he has this way of trying to pin the crazy on you.

He is crazy, and old, and forgetful but he tries to make it seem like its YOU who is crazy or forgetful.

"Your step mom says bring pasta salad to the lake this weekend."

"Im coming to the lake this weekend?"

"Um yes. Dont you remember us all talking about it[52 weeks ago]? And we said we'd let you know what to bring. So, pasta salad."

"Uh.... er... well... I mean... I was actually planning to...."

"Ok then! we'll see you Saturday!" And then he hangs up before I can protest.

Do you know what just happened there? We might have talked about it at SOME POINT in the last year. He remembers that much. And when we vaugely discussed it at some point, it became concret in his head. But he forgot to inform anyone else.
So I frequently get these "Did you know we're going to dads for dinner???" phone calls from my sister.
She will read this and know exactly what Im talking about.

So tonight I got a phone call from dad.

"You remember Im picking up the boys on Friday right?"

"Uhhhh.... what?"

"Remember we talked about going to that farm a different day? And you said Collin gets home from school at 4:30 so I'll be there to pick them up Friday."

Hold the phone. We talked about going to the farm a different day. WE! Like all of us. And now I'm univited AND you're stealing my babies AND youre trying to make it seem like this was the obvious plan all along to make it look like I forgot like you ALWAYS DO?!
"Yep see you Friday Dad"

We mostly have just learned to let it go.
Yeah yeah, We're the crazy ones.
Its cool.

So in any case, I found this precious Eating Machine on the kitchen floor today...

So we took a photo!

Breakdown; Shirt-Old Navy Thirfted, Pants-American Eagle Thrifted, Belt-Thrifted, Boots-Meijer, Necklace-Walmart

I enjoy how he was trying to hook his toes in my belt and strangle me with my necklace the entire time.

Thats Love.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Uncrafty and Impatient

I am not very crafty.

Nor am I very patient.

What I am though, is VERY cheap.

So last night I saw this infinity scarf tutorial by way of W at Pretty Life Anonymous.

Morgan sewed her scarf but I cant sew. Like, at all. Really, my mom asked me to not touch the machine because I make bad things happen. W hot glued hers but I'm at Prince Charmings and he doesn't own a glue gun. So I decided to take a trip to the craft store and improvise!

I managed to score 3 remnants of Jersey that were big and less than $3 each.
I also picked up a bottle of fabric glue.

So I set out to make a scarf while Prince Charming was at work but I encountered a couple problems.
1. Prince Charming only owns scissors that MIGHT cut through paper if you prayed real hard. Forget about fabric.
2. The fabric glue has a 24 hour dry time which is not real conducive to wearing it out that night.

Well so my lines were not straight when I cut but I did glue in straight lines so its not noticeable. The glue thing was a big deal though. My whole outfit for meeting PC out after work hinged on a scarf. One that wouldn't glue my hair together in clumps from the still tacky glue.

So I got out the hairdryer.

I spent 30 minutes blow drying all the glue until it was dry enough to wear. It may have been silly but it was effective!

I made those sweet earings and borrowed that cool white t from my 6 year old
PC gave me a kiss and told me he was proud of my scarf.

The best craft projects should always end with a kiss.

p.s. Im making 2 more today.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Forced Man Thrifting

"Get up! Get up! Get up!" I sang as I bounced on the bed next to Prince Charming.

"UUuuggghhhh....." He moaned half awake.

"Come on! I want to go get coffee and go to Goodwill. PU-LEASE COME WITH ME!"

"UGH ugh ugh" He was making his morning noises. "Ok ok...*unintelligible mumbling* pants."

"Huh?" I said scrunching up my face.

"I'll be down in a minute."

"Yay!" I yelled jumping off the bed and running down the stairs.

"We have to stop at my moms too." He called after me.

We finally made it to the car and I secured us 2 steamy cups of black coffee at the nearest gas station before we were officially on our way.

"Where did you want to go?" He asked, clutching his paper cup of coffee.

"I was thinking the Goodwill on Lakewood because its HUGE. Even though its always full of the naughtiest little kids EVAR. The one on South Washington is good and the employees are nice but its sooooo small." I said, rambling.

I could feel him rolling his eyes next to me. Rolling them Hard.

"Have you been to Bibles for Mexico? Lakewood is always so picked over and Bibles for Mexico is right around the corner at this next light."

"I guess I can try that." I said. "My stepdad always talks about how much he likes it."

He gave me some directions and we pulled up in front of a large-ish thrift store.

And boy if you like old lady clothes, THIS is the joint for you!

I did manage to get a few things including this red checkered shirt. All while Prince Charming sat in a chair looking very much like he was napping. He didn't look like he was enjoying this.

I may make him go back out with me today and force him to enjoy himself!

The Breakdown: Checkered Shirt;Thrifted Jacket;Thrifted Jeggings;Thrifted Boots;Meijers

Meet Virginia Design

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Serenity Now!





"But mooooommmm!"
But mom nothing.
God grant me the serenity

"He started it!"
Well dont make me finish it.
To accept the things I cannot change

"He said booty!"
Once again, booty is NOT a bad word.
courage to change the things I can

"He took my sword/truck/nerf gun/toolbox/book/etc."
If you don't give it back I'll make it mine.
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I've finally sent the children to breakfast with Grandpa.
Where they can argue over sugar packets and crayons.
And someone else can handle it for an hour.

Its been a looooong week with Collin being grounded from all things electronic. This means he has more free time to torture his brother. And he looks less busy so his brother can torture him also.
I've literally be reciting the serenity prayer in my head in a continuous loop for 3 days now.
The weather has been beautiful one more time so instead of fighting in the house, they can argue outside also.
Over dirt, and bricks, and whose pet worm that is.

I'm taking an hour to sit on the patio, with a cup of coffee and Wilson the dog, to soak up the quiet. No one is yelling my name, or throwing clean laundry on the floor, or attempting to eat 8 popcicles in the time it takes me to use the bathroom.

Its amazing what little things can make a world of difference after a week like this.

(Brotherly torture in progress)

Friday, October 7, 2011

Comment Issues

My sister brought to my attention that there was an issue with trying to leave a comment.

I looked into it finally and realized it had everything to do with the change in layout. So out of mind numbing frustration we have reverted back to the old layout for the time being.

If you tried to comment I'm sorry you couldn't but now you should be able to.

Also, I switched to Google Chrome and my internet life has improved drastically. I'll go back to normal posting tomorrow.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Sophisticated Couple

I met my best friend for a date at the park. Shes really one of the most lovely, sweet girls ever. But she really thinks Prince Charming and I are a completely different couple than we are.

A sophisticated couple.

"I sometimes look at couples and wonder what the heck they have to talk about.", she randomly stated.
"How do you mean?" I inquired.
"Well, like I see you and B and I can imagine the kinds of conversations you have but some people have NOTHING in common. What do they talk about?" she explained.
I choked on my coffee a bit.
"You can Imagine what B and I talk about? Oh dear, I doubt that."
"No no" she went on. "I'm sure you guys talk about really cool music and the environment and stuff."
I was trying to not laugh. I was recalling a 30 minute long conversation we had about writing the Parker Brothers a strongly worded letter about Monopoly rules. Not the company. The brothers specifically. About a game. That hasn't changed in decades. 30 minutes of this.
And that's no where NEAR the weirdest one.
This morning in bed we had a conversation about be becoming a Reggae singer. About what I would call myself. How I would dress. These were are first words to eachother this morning. I don't listen to Reggae music.
I didn't have the heart to tell her how weird we are. How NOT grown up we are. How we giggle constantly about farts.

I cant wait to tell Prince Charming how sophisticated we are. It should inspire plenty of impressively sophisticated conversation I'm sure.

A dreary fall day called for some warm comfy clothes.

The Breakdown: Sweater-Target, Jeggings-Thrifted, Keen shoes-hand me down from Prince Charmings son, Necklace-Some shop in Chicago, Paper Earring's-Handmade from a tutorial I cant find but will write if you want it.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Rain Rain Go Away

The weather here in Michigan has taken a turn.

Its cold.
Its rainy.
Its generally miserable.

This is not the beautiful part of fall with the crisp air and changing leaves.

On the bright side, I baked these to warm up the house.
I added blueberries instead of nuts.
The kids have been OBSESSED with them.
They would be even better if you added a little streussel topping to them.

Also, a mood lifter is that I'm going to see a favorite local band tonight Delilah Dewylde & The Lost Boys at my favorite Brewery, Founders Brewing.

Since the weather is Ultra Yucky some good dancing will improve my mood, and my fun "going dancing outfit" is exciting for me too!

The Breakdown: White Ruffled Shirt-Thrifted, Jeggings-Thrifted, Yellow Scarf-Target, Tall Black Boots-A gift at a festival? Purple Wool Coat-Bought by my Mom in 1981 and given to me last year, Houndstooth Hat-Salvaged from the back of Prince Charmings closet.

So sorry about the burrrr behind me but I don't know that I'm prepared to show you the disaster zone that my room is while I redecorate.

I hope the sun is out at your house.

Meet Virginia Design

Friday, September 23, 2011

One of My Favorite Things


I love Art.

All kinds of it.

What do I love even more than Art alone?

Watching people enjoy and PARTICIPATE in Art.

Which is why I'm blessed to be able to attend Artprize every year.

ArtPrize® is a radically open competition. Open to any artist in the world who can find space. Open to anybody in Grand Rapids, Michigan who wants to create a venue. Open to a vote from anyone who attends.
For a couple weeks in September Grand Rapids Michigan is overrun with Art. It is literally everywhere you look and sometimes it even jumps out and surprises you. Whats really heartwarming is seeing all the people out exploring a city I love so much. 

I had the opportunity to head downtown on Wednesday to check out some of the art. I spent a couple hours walking around, wandering into gallery's, and even accidentally crashing a "private reception" complete with champagne and hor'derv's.
I could spend hours doing this and never see all of it.

This is a tiny amount of what I saw in 2 short hours on Wednesday. I'm already planning to head back on Monday during the day to see more! Prince Charming and I have plans to meet up after we both see some art, to see more together.
Its an Artprize date.

Really, if you can, find a way to get to GR to check it out. Seriously. We can have a sleepover. Bring your jammies. I'll make popcorn.

But if you cant get here, or you think I'm too weird to have a sleepover with(and no one would blame you for that), at least check it out online.

You wont be sorry.

Maybe I'll even get the chance to post what I wear Monday.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I'm back!

And you're not getting rid of me.

After some health issues and some situational depression in the spring I needed to take some time off and figure out where I was going in life.

I told my sister that this was like apologizing to a friend for not calling for 6 months.

Which reminds me. I need to make a couple phone calls after this.

Sooo In any case, heres the update in a nutshell!
  • My nephew Keegan was born at the end of March. Hes a doll. 
  • I quit the dating game because well... its hard and scary, and I was terrible at it anyways. 
  • I lost something like 20lbs and became a thriftaholic.
  • At some point, almost without me noticing, Prince Charming and I reconciled.
So Im back and ready to blog. Ive been following some of you.
Under cover.
Ninja style.
Creepy stalker like.

So can we be friends again? With all the honesty, and love, and icecream eating that comes along with it?

I think I'll like being back.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Taxable Fish - A Party Saver

I have a tumultuous relationship with goldfish.
Some may remember this unfortunate tale.

Well this one goes back a few years, and if you're ever at a lame party and need to liven things up feel free to tell this one.
It always works for me.

So one fine night long about 2003 or so, I went to the local Meijer to buy myself a goldfish.
If you dont know, Meijer is where people in Michigan shop. Its like Super Walmart.... only with more moral business practices.
I have no idea why I was buying the fish. I probably just thought it would look cute in a bowl on my desk or something. Its a 17cent fish. Not alot of forethought usually goes into that purchase.

It was late when I got to the open register with my bag of water containing one lonesome fish. The store was mostly empty and I was greeted warmly by a middle aged woman behind the cash register.

When she rang up my huge purchase we got to talking.

"I wonder why it is that goldfish are taxed?" I mused as I handed over my 17cents.

"Oh, well thats because we apply sales tax to commodities and not food items." she stated matter of factly.

I had really never thought about sales tax before. I was just talking to talk but now.... NOW this was going somewhere.

"Wait, so you dont tax food items. What if someone was buying goldfish to eat?"

"People dont eat goldfish ma'am" She stated again.

"I am not a ma'am" I thought as I stood there holding my bag of water and fish.

"Surely someone eats goldfish" I insisted

"I dont think so" She said dryly

I was becoming insistent.

"I mean, like SOMEWHERE in the world, SOMEONE eats goldfish"

"Nope" She was actually arguing this with me.

"You dont think that of all the types of goldfish in the world, and all the cultures in the world, that no one in the world eats goldfish anywhere? Ever?"


I was just.... mad.

I looked her straight in the eye, untwisted the tie holding that bag shut, reached in and without breaking eye contact I slurped that fish down whole.

Thats right. I swallowed that goldfish.

To prove a point.

A ridiculous point Im not even sure I was correct about.

But now I was correct, damnit! People eat goldfish! If people didnt eat goldfish, why would they make crackers shaped like them?!

Her jaw dropped and she just stared at me.

I didnt even wait for her to speak. I gathered up my empty bag of water, made that "Good Day Sir" noise, stuck my nose in the air and walked out with my head held high.

You're welcome for saving your next boring party.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Craftier Side

While browsing the bloggerspere today I stopped at After Nine to Five and found this little gem.

Katie from Away We Go was guesting and gave some directions on a cute little button project.

Secret Alert!


In perhaps an unhealthy way.

So check out the post Here for all the steps but heres what I did....

This is the craft basket. My supplies are spread out in different rooms, stored in different closets, etc. So when I want to make something, I take the basket around with me and fill it with all the stuff I might need. Then when its clean up time I can make one trip around the house to unload the basket.

I loaded up the basket with:
Some burplap
ALOT of buttons
The trusty hot gluegun
Picture Frame
Nylon Thread and Needle

I traced out the cardboard I needed... from an Aunt Jemima pancake box that was living in the recycle bin, and I cut a piece of burlap that was bigger than my cardboard.

I traced out my button design on the burlap and got to stitching. I used all greenish colored buttons in my Orange frame spelling out the word "Joy".

I flipped my cardboard over and glued the burlap down to the cardboard. Careful to get it centered and without wrinkles!

Ta Da!

This was my finished product which I set next to my bed.

It was a good craft to keep my mind off of smoking(8days! Yay!). I'll be crafting some more because it worked so well today.

Sister Drama

My step sister and I met in January of 2009.
The day I left my husband.

She was 19, a student a conservative religious college, and a bit socially awkward.
But that was just the surface.

Once you got past that she was funny, and helpful, and active, and handy.
She is constantly making funny noises and funny faces.
And the kids think she is a whole lot cooler than me because well, things like giant mud puddles, and finger paint from floor to ceiling dont scare her like they scare me.

She had only a few friends and knew nothing of men when I first met her. She couldnt make friends in social situations well because the shy side of her would take over and she would clam up.

I started taking her out with me. I would sit her down at the bar and start introducing her to strangers. I would take her out dancing and showed her that the more confident you were, the less stupid you looked. I tried to get her to show the real her to people. She basically became my best friend.

Then something changed. She became boy crazy.

Suddenly she was dating but because she had no experience with men previously, she was now a 22 year old making 16 year old mistakes.
Those mistakes dont seem weird when your 16.
When youre 22, crying over someone you spent 4 hours with and never heard from again is NOT ok anymore.

She began internet dating.
Nothing wrong with that.
But shes inviting strangers over when my boys are here, shes disappearing in the middle of the night to meet men, and shes crying everytime to date falls through.
Crying or eating $20 worth of taco bell and drinking a 6 pack.

We dont hang out anymore. Our wednesday nights out have stopped happening because she has dates and when they do happen she spends the evening furiously texting the entire time.
The same with our Tuesday night Girl Night where we watch the train wreak that is Teen Mom. Texttextexttexttexttexttexttexttexttext.

Ive considered breaking her hands in some kind of freak car door accident or something.

I've thrown my hands up in the air.
I cant do it anymore.
I've begun mourning the loss of a relationship both as a sister and as a friend, that Im not sure if we can repair anytime soon.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Rediscovering my Redneck Roots

This is a safe place right?

I mean you guys would never tell my secrets would you?


Redneck is deeply ingrained in my genes. Its a part of who I am that Ive been suppressing for a long time.

And by 'long time' I really mean 'my whole life'.

I was born and raised in the country and I HATED IT.

Then I met The Redneck and 37 of his closest friends.
Hes gentlemanly, hes fun, hes smart.
He is Young.

They are all young. Ive been nicknamed G which is short for Grandma.
They are always together, always having fun, doing something crazy, and usually drinking.

My poor liver cant handle all that.

But Ive very suddenly become incorporated into the group and specifically recognized as coming as a package deal with The Redneck.

And Ive been reconnecting with my redneck roots.... and enjoying it.

I'm a 4inch heels out on the town kinda girl, or a bikini at the beach kind of girl. I'm not a 4 wheeler riding, bonfire starting, cheap beer drinking, tinkering in the garage kind of girl.
But I'm dabbling in it right now.
And its FUN.
Even more than being fun, its EASY.

This is not my forever, and The Redneck probably isn't the man of my dreams but, damn am I having a good time.

p.s. I quit smoking on Sunday. Wooo!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Dating Fails Part 3

Sorry for the delay on this one folks.
Saint Patricks day and the days following proved to be a bit more eventful than anticipated.

But thats a whole different post altogether.

I promised you the story of StalkerFace and it was pretty epic so here we go....

A little information going into the story, I dont like to date men I find physically intimidating. I dont care how nice you seem, if I dont think theres a chance of me holding my own in a fight then we arnt going out.

That said, I got set up with StalkerFace. He seemed.... ok but I was pretty sure that wouldnt go beyond a first date.
He was big. Not Fat.
Just BIG.
His upper arms were perhaps the size of my thighs.

The date was alright, nothing horrible happened.
Until the drive home.
We made a stop at the gas station to fill up and when he ran in to pay for gas I was watching from the car.
And from the car I watched him buy a pack of condoms from behind the counter.
My mouth dropped open.
"Well he obviously thinks this date is going a lot better than I do." I said aloud to no one but myself.
When he got back in the car they were in his pocket and I was on edge.
I dont know him well.
He thinks hes getting laid. If I say No and he doesnt like it, I sure cant stop him.
I fidgeted in my seat the rest of the drive and when we pulled up in front of my place I basically shot like a bullet out of the car with the promise to call him trailing behind me as I made a beeline for the front door.
It was a lie.
I wasnt calling him.

A few days and a few ignored phone calls later, I went out dancing with some friends.
At 2am I was walking back to my car with a girlfriend and as we were coming up the street I saw someone standing outside my car.
I slowed my pace and quietly pointed out the "stranger danger" to my friend.
But the car was parked on the street, and the person was standing on the sidewalk and well, people are allowed to stand where ever they want. But we moved in slowly with keys and phone ready.
When we got within about 5 feet, I saw it was StalkerFace. I was stunned. I didnt have the opportunity to say anything before he started in.
"You havent called me back." He stated.
And fat chance of that ever happening now I thought.
"uhhhh...." This was so wrong I didnt know what to say.
"I thought we had a good time. Why didnt you call?" He asked.
I shook off the surprise finally.
"What are you DOING HERE?" I demanded. "How did you know where I was?"
"I saw it online"
Online? ONLINE? Oh shit, social networking. He stalked me on the internet and found where we were talking about going out.
"This is so INAPPROPRIATE!" I yelled as we got in the car as fast as we could and took off.

Thats the end of StalkerFace right?
Not likely.
They never give up that easily.
It only took a few days to hear from StalkerFace again.

I was home alone one night around 3am and I heard pounding on the door.
Incessant pounding.
I weighed my options quickly.
It could be a serial killer. But they dont normally knock right?
It could be my elusive roommate who has locked himself out. Thats sort of logical.
It could be someone in desperate need of help. This is a bad neighborhood.

Well I did a quick "Dear God, Im sorry for doing shitty stuff. Please dont be mad." Just in case it was the serial killer, picked up my baseball bat and headed for the door.

StalkerFace.... COME ON. Really?
I called the police and asked them to please swing by. Maybe not an emergency but their help would be appreciated. Hes a big guy remember?

At this point I'm not even scared. Im just LIVID.
I flung the door open.
"WHAT THE FU....." I managed to get out before he started in on his drunken tirade.
You get the idea.
Heres the thing. I might be a bitch, Im not arguing that.
The slut thing is a matter of opinion.
I didnt sleep with you so you dont even get to have an opinion.
But you leave my mom out of this.
And furthermore, my mom knows EXACTLY what kind of person I am. Bitchy slutty behavior and all.

"If you dont get off my front steps I am going to take out your knee caps with this baseball bat" I said very slowly.
He stopped yelling.
"What did you say to me?" he asked
"I said, you have 5 seconds to make it to the street before I break your knee caps with this bat." I repeated just as slowly as before.
"YOU CANT DO THAT! I'LL CALL THE POLICE!" He started bellowing
"I can, and I will." I replied. "And the police are on their way already."

Their ears must have been ringing because right at that moment the police pulled up. It was fairly obvious that he was drunk. And belligerent. And threatening.
The police carted him off, and suggested I file for a restraining order.
Which I did, the very next day..

I never heard from him again.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Dating Fails Part 2

This was perhaps the largest "Facepalm" situation Ive ever been in and I remember it so vividly its like it happened yesterday.

Welcome to the desperate delusions of John Clam.

I shouldn't have really accepted considering I was pretty sure we had nothing in common. But alas, I was kind of guilted into it by the mutual friend who had introduced us so I relented and we went out.
It was painfully uneventful.
And I do mean painfully.
He was dull.
And pretty awkward.
In the car on the way home he asked if he could take me out again.
"Uh... I don't think so." I replied trying to be as nice as possible. He wasn't a bad guy it seemed. Just.... really boring.
He called a few days later and tried again, and again I nicely declined.
"I think it would be a waste of time on both our parts." I remember explaining to him.

I thought that was the end of it.
It wasn't.

A couple weeks later he called again and things got interesting...
"Hello?" I answered, confused about why he would still be calling.
"I have a sore on my lip" He said immediately.
"Um... I'm sorry? A cold sore or something?" I was more confused now.
I really don't care about any of his ailments and I haven't the faintest idea why he thinks I would.
"And my throat hurts." He continued.
"Soooo.... like strep throat or something?" I asked. I didn't know what was going on at all.
"I think you gave me chlamydia." It just fell out of his mouth.
My pulse quickened. I griped the phone tighter. He thinks I did what? He thinks I HAVE WHAT?! How insulting! I don't have an STD! I felt like shrieking it into the phone.
"Hello? Are you there?" He asked.
My head was still spinning. Chlamydia? Really? Did I hear that right?
I cleared my throat.
"Excuse me. Did you just say... Chlamydia?"
"Yes" He answered matter of factly.
My friends were sitting around me now listening intently since hearing mention of a sexually transmitted disease.
Great, now a whole room of people thinks I'm diseased. Great.
"Uh... I don't have Chlamydia." I stammered, head still spinning.
"And... and... we didn't have sex!" I'm starting to get that hysterical tone about my voice and I'm not thinking clearly.
Oh man, my friends have beer and popcorn now. They are loving this. Better than a movie I'm sure.
"We didn't even kiss! Or touch at all! And.. I DON'T HAVE CHLAMYDIA!" I was in full on hysterics now.
"And furthermore, those arnt even symptoms of Chlamydia! Or any other STD!" I'm not even sure about that completely. I just know that I don't have an STD and I couldn't have possibly given him one even if I did.
He has got to be out of his mind
"You are completely psychotic! What are you thinking!" I'm flat out yelling into the phone now waving my hands around in front of me.
Are my friends laughing? Yes... yes they are openly laughing at me.
I heard nothing....
"WELL!?" I shrieked
"We shared a fork during dessert." He finally said.
"A Fork!?" I screamed "You cant catch a sexually transmitted disease from a fork! That's why its called SEXUALLY transmitted. You have to have sex! BODILY FLUIDS MUST BE EXCHANGED!"
My friends are on the floor rolling around in hysterical laughter and the words "bodily fluids" send them over the edge. I think someone might wet themselves.
At this point I cant even believe I'm having to explain and rationalize this to another adult.
I took a deep breath. "I think you need to go to the doctor." I said.
Theres no way I can convince him but I'm sure a doctor can.
"Oh I will and I'll be calling you back." He said with attitude in his voice. Attitude? Ridiculous.
"Great!" I yelled before snapping the phone shut.
I looked around. Everyone had frozen and was looking at me. Stupid grins plastered on their faces.
"SHUT IT!" I yelled as I stomped out of the room. I heard everyone behind me collapse again into fits of giggles.

He did call back a week later. He made no mention of going to the doctor but he did ask me out again.


Tomorrow we have the story of a stalker and a baseball bat.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dating Fails Part 1

I've been a serial dater in my adult life.
I spent 6 months surviving almost completely on free dinners provided by dates when I was poor.
Its not intentional. I'm not a "player". I like meeting new people. I think it can be fun when it isn't taken too seriously. You could make new friends and every so often you stumble across someone worth spending time with.

You also stumble across stalkers.

Lets spend a few days reviewing some of the dating disaster highlights from my past!

Momma's Boy
A personal favorite as far as dating train wreaks go. I don't remember how we met but he asked me out and I agreed. Like a gentleman, he came to pick me up to take me out. In the car we made some small talk before he informed me that he wanted to stop and introduce me to his mom.
*squealing brakes*
Did you just say I'm meeting your mom?
Well.... ok.... That seems a little weird...
But that cant go too badly right?
Let me paint a picture for you....
We pulled up in front of a small one story non-descript house in an older neighborhood. Nothing special about it. Maybe it was a tad run down?
He knocked and opened the front door and immediately the smell of Cat pee PUNCHED me in the face. My eyes bulged, I threw up a little in my mouth, my lungs begged me not to enter, but I shook it off, quickly regained my composure, and followed him in....
Into one of the largest most disgusting HOARDS Ive ever seen. There were boxes stacked higher than me on each side, old mail and newspapers stuffed into the spaces between boxes, cats scampering back and forth between our legs, one path through the house, and the air was visibly full of.... what is that? Dust? Cat hair? Dander?
I tried to breath as little as possible.
Then we found his mom. And I do mean "found". Like "unearthed". Sitting in a chair surrounded by, trash? Wearing a housecoat/mu mu/ugly curtain, she was holding two cats in her lap, if you could call it a lap because she was big. I mean large. I mean, I'm surprised the chair was holding her up.
Sorry. The truth is ugly.
So I was introduced. I had a moment of panic at the thought of sticking my hand out which had up until now, been shoved deeply into my pocket. No need to worry though because she didn't even look up at me before immediately starting the meanest, most scary interrogation process Ive ever encountered.
Who was I? What were my intentions with her son? Why were we going out on a weeknight? Respectable girls don't go out on weeknights. Was this a date? Her son didn't need to be dating. Who wears JEANS on a date? On and on....
Momma's Boy stood there grinning the whole time as though he was either highly entertained by this all, or saw no problem with any of it. I was shifting back and forth trying to be as nice as possible even though this woman in front of me had no intention of being nice to me at all. I couldn't talk without breathing and I was starting to get more and more panicky about the filth all around me. Eventually Momma's Boy decided it was time to go and said his goodbyes.
"Nice to meet you" I mumbled as I turned to follow Momma's Boy through the same path that had lead us into this hell hole. As soon as the latch clicked behind us I was bent over that the waist, hands on my knees, heaving and gasping for any bit of fresh air I could force into my lungs. Momma's Boy seemed oblivious and had continued walking toward the car.
Was this a joke?
I made my way to the car behind him and got in the passenger seat.
"So where do you want to go for dinner?" Momma's Boy asked.
"I think.... I'm not feeling well." I stammered. It wasn't a complete lie. "I think I need to go home...."
"Oh...." He said, defeated.
We drove to my apartment in silence. When we parked I simply patted his hand and exited the car. I had no words.
I ran up the stairs and burst through the door of my apartment.
"That was fast..." My roommate had just enough time to get out before he stared in wide eyed confusion as I began to disrobe just inside the door down to my under roos and ran for the shower. I washed everything at least 3 times, considered burning the clothes, and collapsed onto the couch to tell my roommate the whole story.

I never answered Momma's Boys phone calls again.

Tune in next time to learn all about Chlamydia

Monday, March 14, 2011

An Open Letter To My Nephew

Dear Keegan Zachary,

Hi! Aunt Nicole here.
Lets talk, man to man.
Er, woman to man.
Um, woman to baby?

Alright heres the deal. There is this poll about when you're going to be born and since you passed your due date oh.... 24 hours ago, there are only a few of us left in the running to win.
Namely, me and your Grandpa.
What do we win you ask?
Well, I suppose just the satisfaction of being right.

The thing is, Your Grandpa LOVES to be right. Pretty much more than anything else in the world. Seriously. Its fine if you don't believe me but you'll figure it out one day. Now in reality, if you were born like... Today, that would be really super scheduling wise for me personally and I know your moms schedule is WIDE OPEN, but that would mean your grandpa wins.
That sir, is unacceptable.
So I picked Saint Patricks Day for you because you know, we arnt really Irish at all but your 21st birthday would be pretty nifty huh?
That's 4 days away. Now I'm not saying you SHOULD stay in there for 4 more days, and your mom would actually kill me if she found out that's what I wanted, but could you do your Aunt a solid and let me win?
I swear, I have a really great "Told ya so" dance prepared. It would be totally worth it.
Did I mention you're my favorite Nephew?
Ok you're right, You're my ONLY nephew.
I promise to be your favorite Aunt though and let you do all the good stuff your parents wont!
Come on, April 17th seems like a really sweet birthday doesn't it?! Maybe sometime around 3am?

Just think on it.

Love and Skittles,

Your Future Favorite Aunt Nicole

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Afternoon Delight

Not that kind of Afternoon Delight.

But wouldnt that be great.

I was reminded this morning by Collin that today at 1:30 he has a program at school.

1:30 is not really a good time for programs because Jack NEEDS to be napping at 1:30. So does Mommy.

Well my mother said she would gladly stay with Jack so I could go to the program and then suggested that I better just hang around town until C gets done with school so I can pick him up then.

My pulse quickened.

I did the math in my head.

Program at 1:30
That means Im outta there by like 2.
Collins day ends at 4.

That means theres 2 full hours of childless time in the middle of the afternoon. THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON PEOPLE!

My head started to swim. What will I fill those 2 glorious hours with?!

I'll visit a friend!
I'll go shopping!
I'll go out for lunch!
I'll skip through the streets singing and high fiving people!

Or maybe I'll go for a nice quiet cup of coffee and some reading because none of those other things are too logical.
My friends are at work, I shouldnt spend any money, and I'll have already eaten. Oh and the bums downtown get all annoyed with outward displays of happiness and I dont really want to touch their hands with a high five.

Maybe there will be a little skipping going on. Whatever. Dont judge me.

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Fitness Edition

I hit the 20 pound mark yesterday.


Yes there is 20 pounds less of me which means I feel about 20 times more awesome.

The fitness buff came out in me after my breakup when I could feel depression setting in. I started working out constantly as a way of motivating myself to at least get out of bed everyday. Specifically I started running when I felt like crying as a way to numb some of the pain.

Hey, it was either that or booze.

Ok so maybe I did some pain numbing with booze too but I digress...

I hadnt really made a weight loss goal ever because Ive never REALLY worked at weight loss and in turn Ive never seen any results.

A couple weeks ago I shared my most recent weight loss with Ex-Husband Extraordinaire.

"Congrats!" He said via text. "When you reach 125lbs I'll do something nice for you!"

Awe, his intentions are good but... 125lbs? Who said anything about 125lbs?

"Uh I dont want to be 125lbs." I replied. Its really too low of a weight for my frame.

"Well what is your goal then?" He asked

I paused reading his text. Goal? Hmmm, I didnt really have a goal. But is a manageable goal the difference between "healthy" and "well on your way to a body image disorder"?
I better set a goal.

"135lbs" I replied. I remember being 135lbs before children and feeling and looking good.

"Great. When you get there I'll take you out for dinner." He said.

Awe, again with the good intentions though it seems mighty counter productive.

So last night I ate pizza for the first time with The Neighbor and managed to not over indulge so I jumped on the scale afterwords.


I got off and got back on.


I set Jack on the scale.


It seems to be working properly. I got on again.


I ran down the stairs like my ass was on fire and lept onto the couch doing something like Rocky Balboas victory dance at the stop of the steps in Philly. I might have even hummed a bit of the song.

I was met by a room full of blank stares.

"I weigh 145 pounds" I said as I dropped down on the couch.

No one seems quite as impressed by this as me.

So last night I made a bet with my friend Miguel that I can have better abs than him by swimsuit season. He will be back in Michigan in 2 months to compare results and declare a winner.

I'm crunching and planking my ass off here folks.

Whats your favorite workout? Yoga? Kickboxing? Running?

Friday, March 4, 2011

I Thought My Head Would Explode - A Date Recap

It wasn't him. Really.

It was me.

He is a 19yr old Hipster girls wet dream with his skinny jeans, and little shirts, and tattoos, riding his bike. Hes sweet, but fairly shy and owns a dog that bares a striking resemblense to Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I woke up with a ridiculous head cold but I was so commited to the idea that I took a couple cold pills and went on my merry way.

I did really well for a few hours. I made it to him, we talked, we ate, he got coffee, we walked..

And then I crashed.
The medicine wore off.

Cue me laying with my head in his lap watching Hoarders for what seemed like HOURS.

God bless him, he still thinks I'm cool.

So when I left I gave him an IOU for a second date when I dont feel like my sinuses will explode.

It was pretty cute.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Dating - The Big Leap

Do you know what time it is folks?

Yes its time to take the plunge into the first post-breakup date.
(And I swear I wont need a xanex for this)

So after my Chicagoland Epiphany a couple weeks ago, I decided that since that relationship was dead dead dead, maybe it was time to try dating again. But where does any self respecting lady find a dateable man?


Yeah I had no idea either.

I turned to the internet. I mean, I know there are about a million creepers out there but at least this way to can stay fairly anonymous while I figure out if they are a sex offender or have any weird fetishes or something.

I immediately got about 100 e-mails. At first glance this is good for the ego. When I started sorting through the e-mails I was overwhelmed with a sense of dread.
Missing teeth....
62 years old....
Doesn't speak English....

Really? Really?! This is the crap I have to look forward to in the big wide world of dating? Ugh, No thank you.

After an hour of the "read and delete" I stumbled across one e-mail. Short and sweet. He seems cute. Not overly boastful. Not any of those other things listed above. Lets give this a try. Whats the next step before I return the e-mail?
Facebook and Google stalk of course.

It was an uneventful stalk which is good so an e-mail was sent, and then many e-mails were exchanged, and eventually a billion text messages during which I may or may not have giggled like a little girl(Shhh... please don't tell anyone).

Thus he has become The Cyclist.

Have I mentioned that I don't ride bikes? Like at all.

No matter. He looks suspiciously like a hipster and might think I'm the coolest thing since sliced bread and I happen to find him ridiculously awesome... with cute as a really great perk.

So I will be trekking to HIS city to do some exploring and rock this date type business with him. Wish me luck.

God willing, this isnt a headfirst dive into an empty pool.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Party In My Bed!

No one should ever share a bed with my kids.

My Night from 3am on looked a bit like this...

Mind you, you're not even getting the full effect without the boney little kid toes digging into your ribs, the wads of blankets threatening to suffocate you(he brough 2 of his own), the dog sleeping on your feet until they go numb, or rolling over onto a matchbox car.

Then he didnt actually go to sleep. He was up and down and crawling over me and knocking my phone off the table onto the floor.


No one slept too much last night so cheers to afternoon naps today.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Giveaway Link-up

I'll only do this for things I know and love and I can really get behind this one.

Once upon a time I was married to this guy.

That nice guy had an even more lovely sister who looked a bit like this.

Around the Bloggy Universe she is known as Gussy from Gussy Sews. She has some amazing talents and one of them just happens to be sewing.

Right now, if you head over to Meet Virgina Design you can enter to win a $40 shop credit to Gussy's Shop online.

Support a cute girls dream of sewing for a living and go enter the giveaway or just buy yourself something from her shop!

Meet Virginia Design