Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Taxable Fish - A Party Saver

I have a tumultuous relationship with goldfish.
Some may remember this unfortunate tale.

Well this one goes back a few years, and if you're ever at a lame party and need to liven things up feel free to tell this one.
It always works for me.

So one fine night long about 2003 or so, I went to the local Meijer to buy myself a goldfish.
If you dont know, Meijer is where people in Michigan shop. Its like Super Walmart.... only with more moral business practices.
I have no idea why I was buying the fish. I probably just thought it would look cute in a bowl on my desk or something. Its a 17cent fish. Not alot of forethought usually goes into that purchase.

It was late when I got to the open register with my bag of water containing one lonesome fish. The store was mostly empty and I was greeted warmly by a middle aged woman behind the cash register.

When she rang up my huge purchase we got to talking.

"I wonder why it is that goldfish are taxed?" I mused as I handed over my 17cents.

"Oh, well thats because we apply sales tax to commodities and not food items." she stated matter of factly.

I had really never thought about sales tax before. I was just talking to talk but now.... NOW this was going somewhere.

"Wait, so you dont tax food items. What if someone was buying goldfish to eat?"

"People dont eat goldfish ma'am" She stated again.

"I am not a ma'am" I thought as I stood there holding my bag of water and fish.

"Surely someone eats goldfish" I insisted

"I dont think so" She said dryly

I was becoming insistent.

"I mean, like SOMEWHERE in the world, SOMEONE eats goldfish"

"Nope" She was actually arguing this with me.

"You dont think that of all the types of goldfish in the world, and all the cultures in the world, that no one in the world eats goldfish anywhere? Ever?"


I was just.... mad.

I looked her straight in the eye, untwisted the tie holding that bag shut, reached in and without breaking eye contact I slurped that fish down whole.

Thats right. I swallowed that goldfish.

To prove a point.

A ridiculous point Im not even sure I was correct about.

But now I was correct, damnit! People eat goldfish! If people didnt eat goldfish, why would they make crackers shaped like them?!

Her jaw dropped and she just stared at me.

I didnt even wait for her to speak. I gathered up my empty bag of water, made that "Good Day Sir" noise, stuck my nose in the air and walked out with my head held high.

You're welcome for saving your next boring party.


Anonymous said...

oh my gosh...i just stumbled across your blog and read this post. that is just about the funniest thing i've ever heard. :o)

goldfish are overrated as pets anyways. ours always used to commit suicide. we'd come home from work and find them lifeless on the table next to their bowl. maybe they're more useful as food?? :o)

Sarah Kate @

Kristy said...

You're serious, are you??! Wow. That is truly an amazing story! I love it! The balls on you!

Jess said...

Awesome blog! Please stop by and follow me at and feel free to link up with Friendly Friday Follow too :)

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