Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Taxable Fish - A Party Saver

I have a tumultuous relationship with goldfish.
Some may remember this unfortunate tale.

Well this one goes back a few years, and if you're ever at a lame party and need to liven things up feel free to tell this one.
It always works for me.

So one fine night long about 2003 or so, I went to the local Meijer to buy myself a goldfish.
If you dont know, Meijer is where people in Michigan shop. Its like Super Walmart.... only with more moral business practices.
I have no idea why I was buying the fish. I probably just thought it would look cute in a bowl on my desk or something. Its a 17cent fish. Not alot of forethought usually goes into that purchase.

It was late when I got to the open register with my bag of water containing one lonesome fish. The store was mostly empty and I was greeted warmly by a middle aged woman behind the cash register.

When she rang up my huge purchase we got to talking.

"I wonder why it is that goldfish are taxed?" I mused as I handed over my 17cents.

"Oh, well thats because we apply sales tax to commodities and not food items." she stated matter of factly.

I had really never thought about sales tax before. I was just talking to talk but now.... NOW this was going somewhere.

"Wait, so you dont tax food items. What if someone was buying goldfish to eat?"

"People dont eat goldfish ma'am" She stated again.

"I am not a ma'am" I thought as I stood there holding my bag of water and fish.

"Surely someone eats goldfish" I insisted

"I dont think so" She said dryly

I was becoming insistent.

"I mean, like SOMEWHERE in the world, SOMEONE eats goldfish"

"Nope" She was actually arguing this with me.

"You dont think that of all the types of goldfish in the world, and all the cultures in the world, that no one in the world eats goldfish anywhere? Ever?"


I was just.... mad.

I looked her straight in the eye, untwisted the tie holding that bag shut, reached in and without breaking eye contact I slurped that fish down whole.

Thats right. I swallowed that goldfish.

To prove a point.

A ridiculous point Im not even sure I was correct about.

But now I was correct, damnit! People eat goldfish! If people didnt eat goldfish, why would they make crackers shaped like them?!

Her jaw dropped and she just stared at me.

I didnt even wait for her to speak. I gathered up my empty bag of water, made that "Good Day Sir" noise, stuck my nose in the air and walked out with my head held high.

You're welcome for saving your next boring party.

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Craftier Side

While browsing the bloggerspere today I stopped at After Nine to Five and found this little gem.

Katie from Away We Go was guesting and gave some directions on a cute little button project.

Secret Alert!


In perhaps an unhealthy way.

So check out the post Here for all the steps but heres what I did....

This is the craft basket. My supplies are spread out in different rooms, stored in different closets, etc. So when I want to make something, I take the basket around with me and fill it with all the stuff I might need. Then when its clean up time I can make one trip around the house to unload the basket.

I loaded up the basket with:
Some burplap
ALOT of buttons
The trusty hot gluegun
Picture Frame
Nylon Thread and Needle

I traced out the cardboard I needed... from an Aunt Jemima pancake box that was living in the recycle bin, and I cut a piece of burlap that was bigger than my cardboard.

I traced out my button design on the burlap and got to stitching. I used all greenish colored buttons in my Orange frame spelling out the word "Joy".

I flipped my cardboard over and glued the burlap down to the cardboard. Careful to get it centered and without wrinkles!

Ta Da!

This was my finished product which I set next to my bed.

It was a good craft to keep my mind off of smoking(8days! Yay!). I'll be crafting some more because it worked so well today.

Sister Drama

My step sister and I met in January of 2009.
The day I left my husband.

She was 19, a student a conservative religious college, and a bit socially awkward.
But that was just the surface.

Once you got past that she was funny, and helpful, and active, and handy.
She is constantly making funny noises and funny faces.
And the kids think she is a whole lot cooler than me because well, things like giant mud puddles, and finger paint from floor to ceiling dont scare her like they scare me.

She had only a few friends and knew nothing of men when I first met her. She couldnt make friends in social situations well because the shy side of her would take over and she would clam up.

I started taking her out with me. I would sit her down at the bar and start introducing her to strangers. I would take her out dancing and showed her that the more confident you were, the less stupid you looked. I tried to get her to show the real her to people. She basically became my best friend.

Then something changed. She became boy crazy.

Suddenly she was dating but because she had no experience with men previously, she was now a 22 year old making 16 year old mistakes.
Those mistakes dont seem weird when your 16.
When youre 22, crying over someone you spent 4 hours with and never heard from again is NOT ok anymore.

She began internet dating.
Nothing wrong with that.
But shes inviting strangers over when my boys are here, shes disappearing in the middle of the night to meet men, and shes crying everytime to date falls through.
Crying or eating $20 worth of taco bell and drinking a 6 pack.

We dont hang out anymore. Our wednesday nights out have stopped happening because she has dates and when they do happen she spends the evening furiously texting the entire time.
The same with our Tuesday night Girl Night where we watch the train wreak that is Teen Mom. Texttextexttexttexttexttexttexttexttext.

Ive considered breaking her hands in some kind of freak car door accident or something.

I've thrown my hands up in the air.
I cant do it anymore.
I've begun mourning the loss of a relationship both as a sister and as a friend, that Im not sure if we can repair anytime soon.