This was perhaps the largest "Facepalm" situation Ive ever been in and I remember it so vividly its like it happened yesterday.
Welcome to the desperate delusions of John Clam.
I shouldn't have really accepted considering I was pretty sure we had nothing in common. But alas, I was kind of guilted into it by the mutual friend who had introduced us so I relented and we went out.
It was painfully uneventful.
And I do mean painfully.
He was dull.
And pretty awkward.
In the car on the way home he asked if he could take me out again.
"Uh... I don't think so." I replied trying to be as nice as possible. He wasn't a bad guy it seemed. Just.... really boring.
He called a few days later and tried again, and again I nicely declined.
"I think it would be a waste of time on both our parts." I remember explaining to him.
I thought that was the end of it.
A couple weeks later he called again and things got interesting...
"Hello?" I answered, confused about why he would still be calling.
"I have a sore on my lip" He said immediately.
"Um... I'm sorry? A cold sore or something?" I was more confused now.
I really don't care about any of his ailments and I haven't the faintest idea why he thinks I would.
"And my throat hurts." He continued.
"Soooo.... like strep throat or something?" I asked. I didn't know what was going on at all.
"I think you gave me chlamydia." It just fell out of his mouth.
My pulse quickened. I griped the phone tighter. He thinks I did what? He thinks I HAVE WHAT?! How insulting! I don't have an STD! I felt like shrieking it into the phone.
"Hello? Are you there?" He asked.
My head was still spinning. Chlamydia? Really? Did I hear that right?
I cleared my throat.
"Excuse me. Did you just say... Chlamydia?"
"Yes" He answered matter of factly.
My friends were sitting around me now listening intently since hearing mention of a sexually transmitted disease.
Great, now a whole room of people thinks I'm diseased. Great.
"Uh... I don't have Chlamydia." I stammered, head still spinning.
"And... and... we didn't have sex!" I'm starting to get that hysterical tone about my voice and I'm not thinking clearly.
Oh man, my friends have beer and popcorn now. They are loving this. Better than a movie I'm sure.
"We didn't even kiss! Or touch at all! And.. I DON'T HAVE CHLAMYDIA!" I was in full on hysterics now.
"And furthermore, those arnt even symptoms of Chlamydia! Or any other STD!" I'm not even sure about that completely. I just know that I don't have an STD and I couldn't have possibly given him one even if I did.
He has got to be out of his mind
"You are completely psychotic! What are you thinking!" I'm flat out yelling into the phone now waving my hands around in front of me.
Are my friends laughing? Yes... yes they are openly laughing at me.
"WELL SAY SOMETHING!" I yelled.
I heard nothing....
"WELL!?" I shrieked
"We shared a fork during dessert." He finally said.
"A Fork!?" I screamed "You cant catch a sexually transmitted disease from a fork! That's why its called SEXUALLY transmitted. You have to have sex! BODILY FLUIDS MUST BE EXCHANGED!"
My friends are on the floor rolling around in hysterical laughter and the words "bodily fluids" send them over the edge. I think someone might wet themselves.
At this point I cant even believe I'm having to explain and rationalize this to another adult.
I took a deep breath. "I think you need to go to the doctor." I said.
Theres no way I can convince him but I'm sure a doctor can.
"Oh I will and I'll be calling you back." He said with attitude in his voice. Attitude? Ridiculous.
"Great!" I yelled before snapping the phone shut.
I looked around. Everyone had frozen and was looking at me. Stupid grins plastered on their faces.
"SHUT IT!" I yelled as I stomped out of the room. I heard everyone behind me collapse again into fits of giggles.
He did call back a week later. He made no mention of going to the doctor but he did ask me out again.
Tomorrow we have the story of a stalker and a baseball bat.
April 22nd: Saturday Sharefest
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