Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Dating Fails Part 1

I've been a serial dater in my adult life.
I spent 6 months surviving almost completely on free dinners provided by dates when I was poor.
Its not intentional. I'm not a "player". I like meeting new people. I think it can be fun when it isn't taken too seriously. You could make new friends and every so often you stumble across someone worth spending time with.

You also stumble across stalkers.

Lets spend a few days reviewing some of the dating disaster highlights from my past!

Momma's Boy
A personal favorite as far as dating train wreaks go. I don't remember how we met but he asked me out and I agreed. Like a gentleman, he came to pick me up to take me out. In the car we made some small talk before he informed me that he wanted to stop and introduce me to his mom.
*squealing brakes*
Did you just say I'm meeting your mom?
Well.... ok.... That seems a little weird...
But that cant go too badly right?
Wrong.
Let me paint a picture for you....
We pulled up in front of a small one story non-descript house in an older neighborhood. Nothing special about it. Maybe it was a tad run down?
He knocked and opened the front door and immediately the smell of Cat pee PUNCHED me in the face. My eyes bulged, I threw up a little in my mouth, my lungs begged me not to enter, but I shook it off, quickly regained my composure, and followed him in....
Into one of the largest most disgusting HOARDS Ive ever seen. There were boxes stacked higher than me on each side, old mail and newspapers stuffed into the spaces between boxes, cats scampering back and forth between our legs, one path through the house, and the air was visibly full of.... what is that? Dust? Cat hair? Dander?
I tried to breath as little as possible.
Then we found his mom. And I do mean "found". Like "unearthed". Sitting in a chair surrounded by, trash? Wearing a housecoat/mu mu/ugly curtain, she was holding two cats in her lap, if you could call it a lap because she was big. I mean large. I mean, I'm surprised the chair was holding her up.
Sorry. The truth is ugly.
So I was introduced. I had a moment of panic at the thought of sticking my hand out which had up until now, been shoved deeply into my pocket. No need to worry though because she didn't even look up at me before immediately starting the meanest, most scary interrogation process Ive ever encountered.
Who was I? What were my intentions with her son? Why were we going out on a weeknight? Respectable girls don't go out on weeknights. Was this a date? Her son didn't need to be dating. Who wears JEANS on a date? On and on....
Momma's Boy stood there grinning the whole time as though he was either highly entertained by this all, or saw no problem with any of it. I was shifting back and forth trying to be as nice as possible even though this woman in front of me had no intention of being nice to me at all. I couldn't talk without breathing and I was starting to get more and more panicky about the filth all around me. Eventually Momma's Boy decided it was time to go and said his goodbyes.
"Nice to meet you" I mumbled as I turned to follow Momma's Boy through the same path that had lead us into this hell hole. As soon as the latch clicked behind us I was bent over that the waist, hands on my knees, heaving and gasping for any bit of fresh air I could force into my lungs. Momma's Boy seemed oblivious and had continued walking toward the car.
Was this a joke?
I made my way to the car behind him and got in the passenger seat.
"So where do you want to go for dinner?" Momma's Boy asked.
"I think.... I'm not feeling well." I stammered. It wasn't a complete lie. "I think I need to go home...."
"Oh...." He said, defeated.
We drove to my apartment in silence. When we parked I simply patted his hand and exited the car. I had no words.
I ran up the stairs and burst through the door of my apartment.
"That was fast..." My roommate had just enough time to get out before he stared in wide eyed confusion as I began to disrobe just inside the door down to my under roos and ran for the shower. I washed everything at least 3 times, considered burning the clothes, and collapsed onto the couch to tell my roommate the whole story.

I never answered Momma's Boys phone calls again.


Tune in next time to learn all about Chlamydia


2 comments:

MoniqueS said...

ah what an absolute nightmare!

katie said...

Hell, even I threw up in my mouth.

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