I killed it mom!

My sisters friend had a fish. The Unkillable goldfish that she didnt want.
Soooo a deal was worked out where the fish owning friend would bring the goldfish to our house and a different animal loving friend would come get the fish and "rescue" it.
Yeah she rescues goldfish.

So the fish came and took up residence in its bowl on our diningroom table. Very unassuming like.

The kids were having breakfast at the table a few days ago.

I hear Collin yell through a mouthful of toast, "MOM! Wheres the fish?"

"I dont know. Hes in there. Your just looking in the bowl at the wrong angle." I yelled from the kitchen while trying to hastily make a lunch for him to take to school.

So I stroll into the diningroom and find both kids leaning over the top of the bowl peering in. I part their heads and look in for myself.

Me: "Uh oh"


ShootShootShoot

"Did the fish die mom? Is it in Heaven? Why dont fish live for a long time?"

He had a goldfish a year ago and it died. Hes still traumatized by this.

Shoot

Ever helpful Jack yells "I killed it mom!" and gets out his "finger guns" and starts making shooting noises into the bowl.

I can see the panic rising up in Collins face.

"Jack put your finger guns away before I take them away!" I say, which he knows is code for "If you dont stop it I'll cut your thumb and forfinger off thus relieving you of your 'finger guns'."

"Um, Beth came and picked up the fish this morning." I say. "Yep, I heard her while I was in bed, picking up the fish to take him home." My eyes were darting back and forth in this "God please dont let him figure out Im lying through my teeth" kind of way.

"But why didnt she take his bowl mom?" He asked looking up at me confused.

"Uh....Uh... She has her own bowl for him. A bigger, nicer bowl with rocks and plants and a little sunken ship for him to hide in..." Im rambling. Its not quite a lie. She DOES have a fish tank at her house. I cant confirm the rocks and ship part... but then again, neither can Collin.

"Like in Nemo huh?" He asked, sounding satisfied.

"Yeah, just like in Nemo." I patted his head and picked up the empty fishbowl and took it to the kitchen. Out of sight out of mind is my theory.

So I stood in the kitchen staring at a bowl full of water, but suspiciously lacking a fish, trying to figure out which cat might have done away with the fish. As if on cue, my sisters Neurotic cat who came to visit with her came bounding through the kitchen and skidded to a stop to look at me.

I narrowed my eyes at it.

"You." I said, staring the cat down.

Well later that evening after my sister and brother in law had vacated my room and headed back to their home in Louisiana, I went up to change the bedsheets and pick up when I noticed something on the rug.

I bent over to look more closely. Was that... a... HALF OF A FISH!?
Oh for petes sake.

So the unkillable goldfish made it about 24 hours in our house before meeting its demise.
I havent mentioned to my sister that I have strong forensic evidence that her cat is a murderer. I think if I did I would be met with alot of denial.

So now I need to explain what happened to my sisters fish rescuing friend. I suspect she wont take it well.

Common Side Effects: Awesomeness

So thanks to the help of modern chemistry, Ive been sleeping at night.
Ive been taking a tiny tiny little ativan at night to sleep. Uh, it works but in a really coma inducing kind of way.

So in anycase, I looked up the side effects and drug facts and say that lazyness is a side effect because well.... it makes you want to stare at the wall with your mouth hanging half open for a hour, true story.

I'm not doing this "slip into depression, become a waste of space" thing. I decided, everytime I felt crappy, with a lump in my throat, or mistyness starting in my eyes, I was going to work out.
As hard as possible for as long as possible.
Its effective actually. I mean I still cry, I just do it somewhere around my 50th lunge or sit-up or something.

I have goals damnit. Not weight goals, fitness goals.
ok actually the U.S. Coast Guard has fitness goals and I have to meet them.

and maybe i'm doing that thing every girl does where we decide we're going to embody poise, grace, and beauty, just in case we see our ex someplace.

Ive also decided I will only work out in this outfit. Spandex is a motivator for anyone to get in shape.

A New Begining

This is not the place I ever thought I would be and yet here I am.

I am learning to put things back together, learn from my mistakes, and be a better person.

So far its a day at a time with tiny goals, one cry free day, move the rest of my things, write my official "goodbye relationship" letter, learn to forgive.

Its a process.

This is my couch and you get to be my therapist.

Lets enjoy the ride.