Dating Fails Part 3

Sorry for the delay on this one folks.
Saint Patricks day and the days following proved to be a bit more eventful than anticipated.

But thats a whole different post altogether.

I promised you the story of StalkerFace and it was pretty epic so here we go....

A little information going into the story, I dont like to date men I find physically intimidating. I dont care how nice you seem, if I dont think theres a chance of me holding my own in a fight then we arnt going out.

That said, I got set up with StalkerFace. He seemed.... ok but I was pretty sure that wouldnt go beyond a first date.
He was big. Not Fat.
Just BIG.
His upper arms were perhaps the size of my thighs.
Big.

The date was alright, nothing horrible happened.
Until the drive home.
We made a stop at the gas station to fill up and when he ran in to pay for gas I was watching from the car.
And from the car I watched him buy a pack of condoms from behind the counter.
My mouth dropped open.
"Well he obviously thinks this date is going a lot better than I do." I said aloud to no one but myself.
When he got back in the car they were in his pocket and I was on edge.
I dont know him well.
He thinks hes getting laid. If I say No and he doesnt like it, I sure cant stop him.
I fidgeted in my seat the rest of the drive and when we pulled up in front of my place I basically shot like a bullet out of the car with the promise to call him trailing behind me as I made a beeline for the front door.
It was a lie.
I wasnt calling him.

A few days and a few ignored phone calls later, I went out dancing with some friends.
At 2am I was walking back to my car with a girlfriend and as we were coming up the street I saw someone standing outside my car.
I slowed my pace and quietly pointed out the "stranger danger" to my friend.
But the car was parked on the street, and the person was standing on the sidewalk and well, people are allowed to stand where ever they want. But we moved in slowly with keys and phone ready.
When we got within about 5 feet, I saw it was StalkerFace. I was stunned. I didnt have the opportunity to say anything before he started in.
"You havent called me back." He stated.
And fat chance of that ever happening now I thought.
"uhhhh...." This was so wrong I didnt know what to say.
"I thought we had a good time. Why didnt you call?" He asked.
I shook off the surprise finally.
"What are you DOING HERE?" I demanded. "How did you know where I was?"
"I saw it online"
Online? ONLINE? Oh shit, social networking. He stalked me on the internet and found where we were talking about going out.
"This is so INAPPROPRIATE!" I yelled as we got in the car as fast as we could and took off.

Thats the end of StalkerFace right?
Not likely.
They never give up that easily.
It only took a few days to hear from StalkerFace again.

I was home alone one night around 3am and I heard pounding on the door.
Incessant pounding.
I weighed my options quickly.
It could be a serial killer. But they dont normally knock right?
It could be my elusive roommate who has locked himself out. Thats sort of logical.
It could be someone in desperate need of help. This is a bad neighborhood.

Well I did a quick "Dear God, Im sorry for doing shitty stuff. Please dont be mad." Just in case it was the serial killer, picked up my baseball bat and headed for the door.

StalkerFace.... COME ON. Really?
I called the police and asked them to please swing by. Maybe not an emergency but their help would be appreciated. Hes a big guy remember?

At this point I'm not even scared. Im just LIVID.
I flung the door open.
"WHAT THE FU....." I managed to get out before he started in on his drunken tirade.
"YOU FUCKING BITCH! YOU SLUT! IM GOING TO TELL EVERYONE WHAT A BITCH YOU ARE. IM GOING TO TELL YOUR MOM WHAT KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE AND WHAT A WHORE YOU ARE!"
You get the idea.
Heres the thing. I might be a bitch, Im not arguing that.
The slut thing is a matter of opinion.
I didnt sleep with you so you dont even get to have an opinion.
But you leave my mom out of this.
And furthermore, my mom knows EXACTLY what kind of person I am. Bitchy slutty behavior and all.

"If you dont get off my front steps I am going to take out your knee caps with this baseball bat" I said very slowly.
He stopped yelling.
"What did you say to me?" he asked
"I said, you have 5 seconds to make it to the street before I break your knee caps with this bat." I repeated just as slowly as before.
"YOU CANT DO THAT! I'LL CALL THE POLICE!" He started bellowing
"I can, and I will." I replied. "And the police are on their way already."

Their ears must have been ringing because right at that moment the police pulled up. It was fairly obvious that he was drunk. And belligerent. And threatening.
The police carted him off, and suggested I file for a restraining order.
Which I did, the very next day..

I never heard from him again.

Dating Fails Part 2

This was perhaps the largest "Facepalm" situation Ive ever been in and I remember it so vividly its like it happened yesterday.

Welcome to the desperate delusions of John Clam.

I shouldn't have really accepted considering I was pretty sure we had nothing in common. But alas, I was kind of guilted into it by the mutual friend who had introduced us so I relented and we went out.
It was painfully uneventful.
And I do mean painfully.
He was dull.
And pretty awkward.
In the car on the way home he asked if he could take me out again.
"Uh... I don't think so." I replied trying to be as nice as possible. He wasn't a bad guy it seemed. Just.... really boring.
He called a few days later and tried again, and again I nicely declined.
"I think it would be a waste of time on both our parts." I remember explaining to him.

I thought that was the end of it.
It wasn't.

A couple weeks later he called again and things got interesting...
"Hello?" I answered, confused about why he would still be calling.
"I have a sore on my lip" He said immediately.
"Um... I'm sorry? A cold sore or something?" I was more confused now.
I really don't care about any of his ailments and I haven't the faintest idea why he thinks I would.
"And my throat hurts." He continued.
"Soooo.... like strep throat or something?" I asked. I didn't know what was going on at all.
"I think you gave me chlamydia." It just fell out of his mouth.
My pulse quickened. I griped the phone tighter. He thinks I did what? He thinks I HAVE WHAT?! How insulting! I don't have an STD! I felt like shrieking it into the phone.
"Hello? Are you there?" He asked.
My head was still spinning. Chlamydia? Really? Did I hear that right?
I cleared my throat.
"Excuse me. Did you just say... Chlamydia?"
"Yes" He answered matter of factly.
My friends were sitting around me now listening intently since hearing mention of a sexually transmitted disease.
Great, now a whole room of people thinks I'm diseased. Great.
"Uh... I don't have Chlamydia." I stammered, head still spinning.
"And... and... we didn't have sex!" I'm starting to get that hysterical tone about my voice and I'm not thinking clearly.
Oh man, my friends have beer and popcorn now. They are loving this. Better than a movie I'm sure.
"We didn't even kiss! Or touch at all! And.. I DON'T HAVE CHLAMYDIA!" I was in full on hysterics now.
"And furthermore, those arnt even symptoms of Chlamydia! Or any other STD!" I'm not even sure about that completely. I just know that I don't have an STD and I couldn't have possibly given him one even if I did.
He has got to be out of his mind
"You are completely psychotic! What are you thinking!" I'm flat out yelling into the phone now waving my hands around in front of me.
Are my friends laughing? Yes... yes they are openly laughing at me.
"WELL SAY SOMETHING!" I yelled.
I heard nothing....
"WELL!?" I shrieked
"We shared a fork during dessert." He finally said.
"A Fork!?" I screamed "You cant catch a sexually transmitted disease from a fork! That's why its called SEXUALLY transmitted. You have to have sex! BODILY FLUIDS MUST BE EXCHANGED!"
My friends are on the floor rolling around in hysterical laughter and the words "bodily fluids" send them over the edge. I think someone might wet themselves.
At this point I cant even believe I'm having to explain and rationalize this to another adult.
I took a deep breath. "I think you need to go to the doctor." I said.
Theres no way I can convince him but I'm sure a doctor can.
"Oh I will and I'll be calling you back." He said with attitude in his voice. Attitude? Ridiculous.
"Great!" I yelled before snapping the phone shut.
I looked around. Everyone had frozen and was looking at me. Stupid grins plastered on their faces.
"SHUT IT!" I yelled as I stomped out of the room. I heard everyone behind me collapse again into fits of giggles.

He did call back a week later. He made no mention of going to the doctor but he did ask me out again.

Right.


Tomorrow we have the story of a stalker and a baseball bat.